From my journal last week…

Anna is in preschool again today…I keep forgetting she’s not with me – opening the van door on her side automatically, even before I get out while running errands.  After several years of opening her door, unbuckling her car seat, it’s habit.

People I know stop me at the grocery store…”Where are your kids?  No one to pull things off the shelf or throw tantrums?  You’re a free woman!”  But my kids never did pull things off the shelf, and honestly, the tantrums were few and far between while we were out.  I guess I trained them well – and now I miss them.  I miss grocery shopping with them.  I know I did my fair share of complaining about it when I had both of them with me…James was learning how to drive the cart.  Teaching a child how to drive a shopping cart – sometimes a very full and heavy cart – is a full-time job.  Plenty of cutting corners too short, not staying to the side so others can pass, running into my heels…I often took away this privilege from James because I was frustrated and we needed to hustle.  Now I wonder, why?  Now that he’s not with me, perfecting his cart driving skills, why did I get upset rather than patiently teach him how much fun driving a grocery cart really is?

Before school started I asked both kids (while heading to the store for groceries) if they enjoyed grocery shopping.  Both simultaneously said, “No”.  Then I asked if they’d prefer I shop while they’re in school.  Again, both at the same time, “Yes!”  Wow.  Was it really that un-enjoyable for them?  Maybe so.  Maybe mom could have been more loving and more thankful just to be with them – grocery shopping or not.

“Camping” together

Hindsight is always 20-20.  I know that.  But I don’t want it to be.  I want to recognize in the moment how precious that moment is so I can enjoy the gift that it is.  I want eyes to see.

I’m re-reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and today read about the Israelites grumbling, once again, in the wilderness.  (Numbers 21:4-5).  God sends snakes to bite and kill them.  Their thanklessness leads to death.  (Read the whole passage to get the context here.)

Later God has Moses put a bronze serpent on a pole – whoever looks at it will live.  In John 3:14-15, Jesus compares his death, being lifted up, to that snake.  We must look to Him to be saved.  In looking, we find our hope and thankfulness is restored.  Gratitude always results in Joy.

James teaching Anna math

I’m home after grocery shopping solo.  I unpack the cold groceries, leaving everything else for later.  I have 40 minutes before I pick Anna up.  Right now my soul needs Jesus – I know this.  I am tired – I woke tired today.  And the only way to get through this day – to enjoy this day – to find the blessings for today – is to turn to Jesus and find my joy.

I pull out my book, my journal, my bible, and I am refreshed.  In the midst of busy, I slow, return to thankfulness, and find joy.  Now I can carry on with my day.  Now I am filled up so I can pour myself out to others today.  Only now am I ready for the battle.

I am reminded of putting on my spiritual armor…I printed a picture of a soldier with every piece of armor to illustrate to the kids what this means.  I had plans of sitting down and explaining this great lesson to them.  I think the paper is in a pile somewhere in the office. A plan for another day.

Today, Lord, I thank you for James and Anna, and rather than focus on past events of not loving well, I choose to love well today, with your help.  May they enjoy school today. Teach me how to grocery shop solo, showing me the blessing of these trips by myself. And on the rare occasion my children are with me, remind me to have fun with them. Remind me to enjoy teaching my loves how to drive the cart.

Hot chocolate and reading